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Category: Spiritual Disciplines

Of Mystics and Medicine

Posted on September 5, 2025October 9, 2025 by Hilarey

I heard in a recent sermon that “we will not find peace through meditation.” The context was that peace comes from God, not things of the world. It got me thinking.

I was probably around seven when I first started joining my dad in karate. One of my favorite childhood memories was an evening bike ride to the old building where sweaty men punched and grunted at each other.

This would’ve been the early 80s, and a lot of the guys who trained had been GIs stationed somewhere in Asia. They brought martial arts practice home after their enlistment. “Everybody’s Kung Fu fighting.”

They brought home other things as well. One being an affinity for Asian culture, because of the impact on that age of their life. And meditation was a big part of these early karate classes. I remember my dad teaching me to sit cross-legged and meditate before I was old enough to go to school. It was his solution whenever I said that I couldn’t sleep.

It wasn’t like the guided meditation I use now. We sat still and straight, and there was complete silence for at least five minutes at the beginning and end of every class. Mostly silent… sometimes the panting of people who had just free-sparred. Then, a jarring handclap, which echoed through the room, signaled our stop. I remember asking my dad what I was supposed to think about when we were meditating. He told me that was a good question, and I felt great pleasure in asking and thinking about the right thing. His answer was to think of something beautiful, like a sunset or a wave crashing on a beach. But as he was beginning to seek God, he later told me to meditate on scripture.

Since then, most of my religious teaching has been that Eastern meditation like this is very dangerous. So dangerous, you should at least be skeptical and maybe not meditate at all. That’s why I rejected yoga until I was almost 40. It sounds funny out loud, but the idea was that: if the enemy has copied anything of God—you should abstain from it. I spent time in a denomination that believed in cessation. They used the fact that prophecy and the gift of tongues were counterfeited in pagan religions—so it should have no place among believers. If the world finds benefit in it, you should not touch. God is enough. 

Within our homeschool community, there was an analogy that a banker never studies counterfeit money. They focus only on actual, true money so they aren’t confused about what is real when something else comes their way. They know only inerrant truth, and can spot the fake a mile away. This is one reason some faiths discourage higher (secular) education.

This incestuous silo produces church kids who graduate, get married and work for the church bookstore, coffee shop or pastoral staff without ever leaving the churchyard. But at least they marry as virgins! 

A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23 is a sweet little book that was much like listening to an elderly pastor tell anecdotes about why humans are like sheep. I found some lovely nuggets in it, but I realized how pervasive the concept is for our American church not to look outside… our American church.

The author writes, “In the Christian life, most of our contamination by the world, by sin, by that which would defile and disease us spiritually comes through our minds. It is a case of mind meeting mind to transmit ideas, concepts, and attitudes that may be damaging. Often it is when we “get our heads together” with someone else who may not necessarily have the mind of Christ that we come away imbued with concepts that are not Christian. Our thoughts, our ideas, our emotions, our choices, our impulses, drives, and desires are all shaped and molded through the exposure of our minds to other people’s minds. In our modern era of mass communication, the danger of the “mass mind” grows increasingly grave.”

He compared sharing ideas to sharing scab. A parasite sheep transfer by touching heads together in greeting. 

There is truth in his quote. But all I can think about is the great alienation and isolation of people who silently slink out of church. 

Most of the Calvarys that I attended had some flavor of this God is enough or I can do all things through Christ. Therefore, if you had enough God, you never needed a seminary degree, therapy, or antidepressants. One church I knew went so far as to say it didn’t just have to be Christian; it had to be Calvary-initiated in order to be sanctioned. This particular fellowship wouldn’t use the Awana program because it wasn’t written by a Calvary pastor. It was easy for me to live in this “We are the only ones who have the full truth” churchyard because I became a Christian in a Southern Baptist Church, which also thinks they are the only ones saved.

Am I not Christian enough for the Christian club?

The disciples had this thought, too. They wanted to stop other people from driving out demons because they weren’t in the same church clique, I mean, denomination. Interestingly, Jesus said “If they are not against us, they are for us.” He told his disciples to leave that non-sanctioned group of demon-casting believers alone. What a strange concept! That other church down the road is not against us? That public service for domestic violence, who is cleaning up the aftermath of church oppression, is not against the kingdom?! 

When you look at things of the world and find value, remember that every good and perfect gift comes down from the Father of Lights. So if it is good—it is from him. Even if it has a scary or foreign name like psychotherapy or amoxicillin.

I’ve got questions for the pharmacy and questions for the church.

Knowing those names can be lifesaving. And staying relevant to the changing tides of culture is not something to fear if you understand that God has not abandoned this generation. He didn’t abandon the previous one. And he will be faithful to this one even though they’re getting a lot of facial piercings.

Even Paul used idioms and colloquialisms, and Jesus was aware of current sociopolitical events. (Notice how Jesus didn’t rant about the world going to hell in a handbasket or how the people should feel towards Pilate. The application was for followers to look into their own lives and be changed amid their specific sociopolitical situation.)

We now know through science that our brains thrive with meditation and repetitive liturgy. So you can assume God designed it that way. He certainly knows about it because he instituted solutions for our brains in our religious disciplines. In Confronting Christianity, Rebecca McLaughlin writes in the intro, Aren’t we better off without religion, about seven biblical principles built into our church experience that benefit us. Weirdly, they have been shown to benefit humans even if they do them outside of the church experience. Things like gratitude, contentedness, and generosity. Prayer and meditation…

Lean into all of your resources. If it is good, it is from God. Should Christians use AI? Should Christians use curriculum if it was written by a different church? Should Christians read mystics or use medicine? How do we verify what is Christian-y enough?

Let me say it this way: if it benefits humanity outside of a religious context, can the church still touch it? 

Good stewards of the garden will navigate the balance between permissible and beneficial. Not letting our gifts or our resources master us, but accessing everything we need in our sphere.

Sure, you will not find your salvation in meditation, but you will not find it through a Petri dish of church attendance either.

But that’s a prevalent thought in the church. Another quote from a Shepherd looks at Psalm 23, “Some of my friends have been among the most learned and highly respected scientists and professors in the country. Yet about them there is often a strange yearning, an unsatisfied thirst that all their learning, all their knowledge, all their achievements have not satisfied. To appease the craving of their souls and emotions, men and women will turn to the arts, to culture, to music, to literary forms, trying to find fulfillment. And again, so often, these are amongst the most jaded and dejected of people.”

So I want to ask you, what happens when you find believers in the church who are also jaded and dejected? 

Just because it’s holy water, does it mean that we can’t drown?

It creates confusion when the church tells people, “you won’t be satisfied in the world,” but generations are growing up unsatisfied in the church. And you meet someone who meditates, and they are peaceful.

God can use anything in heaven or earth. Don’t avoid education or resources of the world because you only want to be moved by the Spirit. Whether you’re over-educated or over-medicated or undereducated and under-medicated, life is hard. 

You probably won’t find a quick diagnosis and corresponding pill, and you definitely won’t find a one-and-done salvation prayer to provide a life of peace and pleasure. But keep seeking. You will find. But then, you will still have to keep seeking because he’s newly needed each day. 

One of my prayer partners shared a podcast this week. Her elevator pitch was a quote where the podcaster said he was always told you don’t have to check your brain at the door to follow Jesus but over the 25 years he pastored a mega church, he realized you kinda did have to check your brain at the door to follow evangelicalism. If that resonates with you, check it out. 

If you stand on the threshold of the house he describes, and see your kids playing in the yard or street, maybe it’s time to ask, “Is this truly good?” And then let the answer change you in the midst of your cultural or sociopolitical situation. 

Abide in me

Posted on March 14, 2025March 11, 2025 by Hilarey

A few years ago, one of my prayer partners received the word “abide” from God, and so we spent a fair amount of time talking about it.

But first, we had different definitions of what it meant, so we had to come up with a common language to communicate. I remember that one of the thoughts I had about its meaning was “to wait.” Someone else said “to rest.”

We were surprised when we looked it up because one definition is “to tolerate.” Think, “I can’t abide that.”

It’s come up again recently. My pastor shared that an image of abiding was like jumping into the ocean where you are completely consumed. You become part of the ocean, no self remains outside of it.

The Vine

Christ said if you abide me and I and you, then you will bear much fruit. Most translations say “remain.”

Even though there is a measurable end result of bearing fruit, I do not care for definitions of abide that require you to do good works. Works result from abiding, and there’s a difference.

I’ve heard it said in yoga class that Savasana or corpse pose can be the most difficult. This is that final part of the practice where you lay prostate, and try not to fall asleep. The reason it’s hard is that you have to make yourself do nothing. You actively rest.

Even though I don’t think you should define it by doing something, you won’t accidentally abide.

I define abiding as this same intentional rest, or actively obediently remaining. The active part is that you are making yourself stay. Stay still, stay present, stay with God. The obedient part is that you rest or remain and let him inside of you.

There’s a song I enjoy by Bob Millspaugh called Redemption. It has a Johnny Cash vibe, and my favorite line is, “The vine it grafted me, and I clung to the tree.” Spotify Version

The image I see for abiding is always a grafted tree or vine. And that’s not by accident, it’s the description Christ uses in his command in John 15. But Paul also uses it in an illustration of how we’re brought into the family of God in Romans 11.

Grafting is fascinating. And most of the stone fruit trees I’ve planted were one variety grafted onto a different variety’s root system. I’ve never actually grafted something myself. But I’ve seen what’s called a fruit cocktail tree, where multiple kinds of fruit branches are grafted in.

You cut a branch at a particular angle from one tree, then cut a branch that same angle on another tree. Then you bind the branch of the first to the second. The graft must remain there until the wound seals and the juices from the tree flow into the branch.

As I mentioned in my post Praying Naked, sex can be more invasive for women. And so, I think women intrinsically comprehend the mystery. She takes something into her body which creates life and grows, but does not originate completely in her. There is a fear of losing herself as she allows it to radically change her. What was a woman now becomes a mother. Men can only observe this process.

I’m hardly the first to use the analogy of sex. And Christ said to take his blood and his broken body inside of you. So there actually is an opportunity for everyone to experience the metaphor.

You take something inside of you. Life begins. It fundamentally changes you. And then it produces fruit.

If you remain

Just as you won’t accidentally abide, I don’t believe you could accidentally lose your salvation. You can’t misplace it or have it stolen from you.

Even though I was raised there is no way to “lose” your salvation, both Christ and Paul gave intense warnings about not abiding or remaining. This is where I think the English definition “to tolerate” does not work. I don’t think God will just tolerate a diseased or non-producing branch. Paul warns that if the natural branches were broken off and removed because of unbelief, we should not be arrogant. Christ says the braches will be burned John 15 and Paul says we should not assume we will be spared Romans 11.

Actively, obediently remaining while nourishing sap flows through you.

God prunes healthy branches so they produce more fruit, and sometimes he prunes non-producing branches to stimulate growth. And sometimes he grafts new ones in.

The vine, it grafted me, and I clung to the tree.

So Many Voices

Posted on December 13, 2024December 13, 2024 by Hilarey

A few years ago, I went to a woman’s retreat. A coordinator handed me a piece of paper and asked if I would stand and read it aloud at a certain point during the message. I said that I would love to help, and she told me how I’d be signaled. She left, and I opened the paper. On it was written:

God cannot be with me when I sin.

I felt immediate tension. It grew. I couldn’t put the why into words.

I love it when I hear something and a scripture pops into my mind. When God’s word confirms its validity or rejects it—and the matter is settled.

But sometimes there is just uneasiness. A conviction that something is wrong but you can’t put your finger on it. Because a spoonful of truth helps a lie go down a little easier.

Worship was still happening at the retreat. I stood, clenching the paper, stealing a sideways glance down at the words every so often. My adult daughter was with me. It was a weekend away for us to connect.

I could not say those words to her.

I folded the paper back up. Worship ended. We sat, and I thought about whether I could speak those words over anyone. I pictured a scenario where a woman returned home, remembering only one thing from the entire weekend: that she was cut off from God. God could not be with her.

And the lie would be delivered in my voice.

That made me feel overwhelmed. Under no circumstances could I stand in that congregation and say those words.

Writers tend to elevate the written word. After all, Christ is The Word that dwelt among us. The world was created through him, the Word, and for him. But the words that created light were spoken, not written. And I’m not just thinking about words this way because I’ve started narrating! This women’s retreat happened long before I dreamed of reading books aloud. But, I’ve had to process it a little deeper because of a recent audio project where I recorded myself saying, “Sin is separation from God.”

The words we speak hold more significance than exposing what we believe in our heart. Words have the power to bless or curse. And not modern vernacular of colorful language curse, but to speak harm into existence over a soul.

So—I went back to the woman coordinating the conference and told her I could not stand before the congregation and speak those words of alienation.

She said, “That’s fine.” Then looked at me, intently, and said, “Someone else will do it.”

I returned to my seat but couldn’t focus.

What do you do when lies are shared from the pulpit? Do you get up and quietly leave? Do you create dissension with your whispering and try to stage a coup? Do you stand up in the midst and rebuke? Many people seem to want the latter. To scream their voice out above the rest. I was in a church once where a man cried out, “Heresy” to the pastor, and the security team physically removed him. I cried all day. It partly inspired the scene in my fiction book, “Heart of Petra.” Discord among the brethren.

Shaking, I left my seat and found the woman again. I was trying to be brave for the sake of others, and told her that no one should stand up and say those things. Sometimes I think I’m a good communicator. But then things like the following happen.

She assured me that that statement was going to be read, even if I would not do it. Those words would be spoken over my daughter, and the entire congregation. She would see to it, regardless of how I felt.

I returned to my seat, wondering if there were only two options: to create chaos, or be an accomplice. I’d walked out of church service mid-sermon before, and I think I was planning to do it again the moment those words were spoken.

Now, fast forward. The coordinator could have saved me the adrenaline rush by letting me know that a half-dozen people in the audience had been given lies that sounded like doctrine and the speaker was going to listen to them, one at a time, and scripturally refute them. It was our event for the day.

But I know God allowed the misunderstanding for my benefit.

It was so I could process the junior-high-youth-group-false-doctrine that when you go into a party where there is drinking and sex; you go in alone. God waits for you on the porch because he can’t be around the sin.

It was also so I could understand how damaging pseudo truths are toward hurting people who already feel alienated from the church body. You are my favorite people.

Lastly, it was so I could contemplate how I wanted my voice to be used, and if I had the courage to do it.

A voice calling out in the wilderness

The interesting thing about God’s voice is that, even though the sound could be like a thousand waterfalls, I think it’s rare to hear his volume, anger and passion louder than the cacophony of all the others in this world. At least it will be until the end, since that verse about waterfalls is in Revelation. Don’t expect the energy of God’s voice to match persuasive dictators. You’re going to have to lean in to hear.

The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.” Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 1 Kings 19:11-13

In case you’re wondering about that paper I held and the concept of God’s ability to be in the presence of your sin, God is Holy. He isn’t in the business of allowing us to continue destroying ourselves and others, and calling it good. But it isn’t like Christ bolts (with his fingers in his ears and a panicked expression) when someone sins, just because he can’t be around the dirty.

You will feel a difference in the connection of your intimacy with him and his voice. It’s a good reason to say “search me” when you first sit down to have a conversation. I see two reasons for an interruption of that communion with God. Knowing about, regarding and cherishing unrepentant sin in your heart and husbands who do not treat their wives as equals. God has good boundaries. He didn’t let Adam and Eve continue to eat from the tree of life and exist eternally in a state of sin. He cut off access and intimacy. And he won’t let you think everything is dandy if you are unrepentant when convicted.

But that misery isn’t abandonment. As my prayer partner recently reminded me, God promised, “I will never leave you or forsake you.” He is still there during your sin and others’ sin against you. Ignoring him intentionally will make communication harder. Being distracted by other voices will make it harder. You will hear him less when you practice not listening. If you intentionally, repeatedly, forcefully choose something over him, you may get to the point where he honors your choice.

Otherwise, you will hear his voice if it is your desire it and you make space to hear it. But do expect sometimes to wait. One thing I love about Spanish is that the verb “esperar” means “to hope,” “to expect,” and “to wait.”

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I hope;
my soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen for the morning,
more than watchmen for the morning.
Psalm 130:5-6

I recently heard an interview with Jamie Winship by podcaster Jeanie Allen called Conflict Zones, the CIA and Listening to God, which takes hearing that voice to a higher level. I’ve listened a few times, and can’t recommend it enough.

Have you thought about what you are using your voice for?

The Heart, Mind and Soul of the Matter

Posted on October 25, 2024 by Hilarey

When my kids were still at home, we sometimes ate standing at the counter, buffet style, without plates. This was for charcuterie-type meals like chips, veggies, dip, cheese and crackers. It was typically a pre-holiday event so people could come and go. But sometimes, late, and after karate, it was just to get a meal started as we were still pulling food out. It could be a frenzy of laughing, talking, and reaching.

My son told me recently that even if the food itself isn’t comfort food, it is a comfort to him to have a meal this way because of the memory of it. He also said his roommate had no context for a family meal like this because his mom always plated his food.

I’ve done that, too. And I’ve known people irritated by their childhood mealtime because they had to clean their plate, but weren’t in charge of what was on it. So I’ve been thinking about the heart behind the action.

Picture a mom dishing up everyone’s plate. She chooses your portion and sets it before you. She could do it this way for more than one reason.

Maybe:
She wants to see your delight when she places the plate in front of you, and she’s simply helping you.
She is selecting the best cut of meat for you.
She is selecting the best cut of meat for herself.
She is selecting the best cut of meat for your volatile dad, so he’s appeased and everybody might get to finish dinner.
She doesn’t want to clean up after everyone else’s messy attempt to serve.
It is all about control, and she’s trying to make sure you don’t overeat because she thinks you’re fat.
It’s all about insecurity and she wants to remind you that the food comes from her, and her only personality in this season of life is feeding people.
There’s someone greedy at the table who would fish out all of the meat and leave everyone else only broth.
Someone’s hangry at the table, and it just streamlines the meal.
It’s the only thing she is in charge of.
It’s for love and worry that she wants to make sure you eat the right foods, not just white bread.
There is barely enough to go around and she is making sure that you get a fair portion.
Food is scarce, and she’s rationing to fund a second meal.
And maybe, she’s not just sure why her mom served everyone—but she feels like she can’t break tradition.

The thing is, you can only assume her motivation—and whether there is more than one motivation contributing.

This isn’t a post about forgiving moms for our eating disorders.

It’s just to describe why God is after our heart.

We are often very conscious of how our actions look or are perceived by others. But actions can be faked. They can just be a rule or a tradition. Actions don’t tell the entire story.

Just because there is a lack of a sin you can pinpoint and cry out, “There! That thing you did was wrong.” It doesn’t mean wrong wasn’t done.

Actions, Motivations and Iniquity

I’m reading Good Boundaries and Good Byes by Lisa Terkurst, and she writes, “I discovered iniquity points to the character or motivation of the action more than the action itself. So it’s not just what someone does or doesn’t do; it’s what her actions represent.” The author uses this to describe when we cannot really pinpoint something as a sin. More the “nuances of hurtful issues within human relationships that don’t clearly point to sin.”

The same tradition can bring life to one household and oppression to another. Even in the same house, a rule can be life-giving or demeaning. Not every one of my family members had pleasant emotions about those meals at the counter.

What’s the difference? Sometimes the situation or personality of the one who receives, affects it. The person who gets the food put on their plate. But mostly—the difference in how actions affect you is the heart behind it (or the rule and how it’s enforced.)

Anything can be twisted by motivation.

So be careful when giving or receiving advice, or following new parenting trends.

And damage isn’t only a result of a malicious motivation. So many things I did incorrectly as a parent were motivated by fear. Which seemed like it came from love, but it was still tainted because fear isn’t from God. I always want to be cognizant when fear motivates my actions.

And to try to turn over my heart. It isn’t just the sin of murder— it’s also the justification of anger. It isn’t just adultery—it’s the lingering.

Don’t Give Up

In those situations where the heart was sincere but the action still created pain and discord—I think the motivation of the heart is redeeming. I know a mom who asked her kids, “Yes, but… when you look back, can you ever say that I did not love you?”

And even if that question is not given a thoughtful answer, our God cares about our why. That’s not to say obedience isn’t required to follow him. But loving God with your heart, mind and soul comes first. Then, loving your neighbor as yourself follows. And that neighbor interaction has to overflow with sincerity of heart, or it gets weird.

“The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7.

I think there can be dread to give God your heart because you think he‘ll make you change your actions. Our purpose isn’t so much to focus on whether or not mom should plate the food or what does God want me to do? But to let him in. To love him. To be loved by him.

God’s kingdom will not be brought by changing certain actions, voting, laws, force, hostile takeovers or outlawing sin. It is what the Jews wanted when Rome was oppressing them. It’s what many people want now, one world system to throw off the oppression of a different world system.

Neither will God’s name be glorified by a segregated utopia—yes, a holy people, sanctified and set apart—but not living behind a gate hoarding and protecting their resources of joy, love, and prosperity. When I was a child, I used to think Christians should be immediately raptured. I didn’t know why we had to live here. I thought God should just talk to individual hearts and then we should disappear.

God’s kingdom arrives through our internal renewal while we are still mucking around here in the mess. Sanctification comes from turning over our hearts.

God’s motivation

Some see God as punitive: he sent his son as punishment for our sins.

Some view our God as a reconciler: he created a path for us to be reunited to him.

(Actually, I think the difference might originate in Eastern Orthodoxy and western traditions.)

Does it matter though—if one of those statements is more true than the other… so long as you turn from sin and walk the straight and narrow? So long as the actions are “right,” and the food is served correctly?

Well, yes, it might a little, when it comes to trusting him with your heart.

The Things That Are God’s

Posted on January 19, 2024January 26, 2024 by Hilarey

I’m not thinking of taxes, yet. I will be in a few weeks when I sit down to organize everything. I’m just thinking about how much I love the interaction between Christ and the political/spiritual leaders who tried to trap him in his words regarding taxes.

In Mark 12:13-17, they asked if it was lawful to pay the imperial tax, thinking it was a no-win situation for him. Who wants to pay tax to an oppressive military occupying your country and taking all the money back as tribute to the conquerors? Most don’t want to pay their own government–even when it funds schools, parks and public services. Especially because the school bonds never seem to end and very little appears to trickle down into books and teacher salaries. People spend other people’s money flippantly.

We want to be in control of our own money.

But, I think this is one part of why we should tithe. Of course, there are several valuable reasons. To acknowledge, consider and then care for the poor. To have personal investment in other believer’s needs, so they become like family. To keep money flowing and fund important things instead of hording like a dead sea.

But really, the point is to not be in control of our own money.

There was a time years ago when I wanted to tithe, but did not see where we could. We’d come to Idaho to serve in a ministry. Life had always been tight, but then, we had to ration everything to make it. Lights, gas and heat. Our fridge was typically near-empty a few days before payday. We did not have any entertainment or unnecessary spending we could eliminate. I didn’t know where charitable giving could be squeezed from.

Wealth wasn’t my goal, and I certainly wasn’t thinking that God would owe me worldly baubles if I did tithe. I was growing, and wanted to be obedient to him, and I believed that we needed to tithe to do it. I added a line in my spreadsheet with Malachi 3:10, just to take him at his word.

“Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the LORD Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it.”

I remember driving down the road and asking God, “Will you please give us enough money to tithe?”

Shortly after, my husband received a raise that netted about 10 percent to our budget. Enough for the traditional tithe, but not enough to add Netflix (which was RedBox at the time) or a trip to frozen yogurt as a family.

I knew right away that God had answered my specific prayer. I think when I asked him if he would keep his word–he asked me if I would keep mine.

We started to tithe. But I will tell you, even though we now had enough, it was not easy to send the money away. The church we attended had a frivolous spender at the helm, so there was a learning curve of how and who to tithe to. But every month we’d give our money away, we’d juggle our bills, and we’d live frugally.

A lesson worth more than money

Notice in Malachi that God does not promise blessing in the way of wealth. As we did this, I discovered that I gradually trusted God more and more. Especially when there was exactly enough. But in order to do it, I had to write out our paper check and verbalize, “God, I need you…more than I need fifty-three dollars.” It was almost comical to say sentences like that out loud as I spelled the numbers in long hand. Duh. The God of the universe who holds all things together is just a little more security than fifty bucks. Even then.

But then later, as the amounts changed, the sentiment never did. “God, I need you more than one-hundred and thirty-two dollars.” It has gotten to where I’ve not seen an amount that would give me pause to write out without declaring that I need God more than that number. (Although I don’t write physical checks anymore.)

It wasn’t flawless. There were growing pains. On more than one occasion I would hold back a tithe because we “couldn’t afford it.” Something unexpected like a random bank fee would usually come up. I remember one unexpected bill that was the exact amount of the tithe I held back.

I learned that I really did need God more than one-hundred and thirty-two dollars. And when I’d write it and say it, I’d imagine intangible blessings my storehouse could not contain, and not want to be without whatever God would pour out over me in my trust.

Money seems like one of the hardest things to relinquish. So, you want to be able to see the monies of this world as belonging to the Caesars of this world. But there are so many other arousing things that whisper provision and satisfaction.

If you belong to God

When there is a thing, a person, or an action promising joy, fulfillment, pleasure, tranquility… but it means to step outside of a relationship with God to embrace it, we can use same phrase. Even if it is something good or benign, but it isn’t the right time, I have found success saying it out loud.

God… I need you more than I need this item.

God… I need you more than I need this relationship.

God… I need you more than I need this sin.

God… I need you more than I need ___.

In his hands are the depths, the heights, and pleasures forevermore. Don’t be afraid to ask him if he will keep his word.

Judge Yourself & Let No One Judge You

Judge Yourself & Let No One Judge You

Just as you have to make self-examination/judgment a discipline, make accepting forgiveness and walking in light a similar “conscious discipline.” You look at your sin. You accept that you are...

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Judge No One & Judge Others

Judge No One & Judge Others

2 of 3 | Part 1 Judge Yourself & Let No One Judge You | Part 2 Judge No One & Judge Others | Part 3 Judge God “So don’t judge...

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Judge God

Judge God

Whether you are one who anointed him for burial weeks before, or you sit at this feast with questions and decisions—everything hangs on how you judge God....

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In All Your Right-Rightness

In All Your Right-Rightness

They will know we are Christians by our doctrinal precision....

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Of Mystics and Medicine

Of Mystics and Medicine

If it benefits humanity outside of a religious context, can the church still touch it? ...

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Kicking Bricks & Flipping Tables prayers in cracks of the wailing wall, 2018

Kicking Bricks & Flipping Tables

I’ve heard foundations cannot be changed. (I feel like this is said when people describe how America was started as a Christian nation and therefore it could never not be...

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The Wife Follower

The Wife Follower

the husband leader | the wife follower I’m realizing that questioning the husband-leader-dynamic is part of the larger debate about women in the church. (I’m usually late to the circus.) And...

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The Husband Leader

The Husband Leader

the husband leader | the wife follower There was a time early in my marriage when my husband wanted to go into partnership with someone to buy a karate school. We’d...

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Uncovering Paul

Uncovering Paul

Paul’s command in 1 Corinthians 11 to keep a woman’s head covered was more about protection and equality for the first century church than keeping a modern woman subservient in...

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It’s Probably Her Fault

It’s Probably Her Fault

I loved the first cover of my first novel. Partly because, 11 years ago, it communicated to the reader: this isn’t going to be your typical Christian fiction. I didn’t...

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A Ceremony of Grief

A Ceremony of Grief

Some kinds of deaths don’t have a memorial or funeral. It helps to have a ritual to mark the end of broken dreams so you can move on....

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Dismantling Human Tradition

Dismantling Human Tradition

When I was young, I told my mom a name I wanted to give to a future child. Her quick response was that if my future husband had ever known...

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Take Luck

Take Luck

Someone who is a Christian, but doesn’t read the Bible, is really susceptible to the weird tangents of Christian religion. Taking someone else’s word for what the scriptures say inevitably...

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One Body, One Hope—But it Looks Different

One Body, One Hope—But it Looks Different

Jesus Christ introduces and represents himself differently to the seven churches. Superficially we can look at this is and realize, he’s different to different people. It’s true, you can find...

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Abide in me

Abide in me

A few years ago, one of my prayer partners received the word "abide" from God, and so we spent a fair amount of time talking about it. But first, we had...

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Giving, Accepting and Celebrating Love

Giving, Accepting and Celebrating Love

I received some council this week, which I desperately needed. And I will share some of my thoughts processing it in honor of today. If you swing from opposite ends between...

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Your Own Hands

Your Own Hands

I love the hopeful newness of January. I like resolutions. Although, if you were raised to believe you had to honor your word, it is a little painful to promise...

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Violence on a Soul

Violence on a Soul

My husband and I are reading “The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry.” One night, we came across a phrase that made both of us pause—but we’d had very different reactions. The phrase...

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So Many Voices

So Many Voices

What do you do when lies are shared from the pulpit? Do you get up and quietly leave? Do you create dissension with your whispering and try to stage a...

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The Heart, Mind and Soul of the Matter

The Heart, Mind and Soul of the Matter

The same tradition can bring life to one household and oppression to another. Even in the same house, a rule can be life giving or demeaning....

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Sonship and Citizenship

Sonship and Citizenship

I remember standing on the deck of a beautiful home in Tahoe for a home group gathering. The leader responded to my compliment about the view, his home, and yard...

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Praying Naked

Praying Naked

Even though I only wanted to escape eternal burning and torture, I know my 11 year old conversion was real, because after, I felt compelled to promise to God that...

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My Elevator Pitch

My Elevator Pitch

I remember when I first moved to the Boise area. I didn’t work outside the home, or know anyone, so at church I tried to introduce myself. Every week. In the...

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Please Wait, Still (Verbal) Processing…

Please Wait, Still (Verbal) Processing…

Originally Posted on June 27, 2022 The day my daughter turned 18, she sought me out and asked breathlessly, “So, when does it happen?” I looked at her earnest face and...

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These Ten Things

These Ten Things

There was once a woman who perfectly copied her mother's treasured pot roast recipe. First, she took the roast and cut off both ends. Then she put it in the...

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You Missed the Boat

You Missed the Boat

A re-post since I'm cranky that I have covid again. Also, we lost the little guy in this video about a month ago. If sarcasm (the lowest form of wit)...

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Your Villain… a Caricature

Your Villain… a Caricature

Is the enemy chaotic-evil and unredeemable? I learned in a writing class that no one is a hundred percent evil, so, writing your novel’s villain that way will actually make him...

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I Am the Church

I Am the Church

I thought I'd get this blog going again sooner, but I spent the last several months creating a website for our writer's group and a narrating a...

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Blessed is Everyone Who Eats Bread in the Kingdom of God

Blessed is Everyone Who Eats Bread in the Kingdom of

The first time I heard the scripture in Matthew 7:21-23, I quickly applied it to others. In subsequent readings, it unsettled me. I've come to a place where it keeps...

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Your Redemption Draws Near

Your Redemption Draws Near

I once said to my grandma, "I wish Jesus would come back." It wasn’t during a trial. I think I was just feeling the irritation of living. I had a...

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Children of the Wilderness

Children of the Wilderness

The Israelite children who grew up in the desert saw nothing but provision and miracles. They didn’t know that normal shoes wear down each year. They took for granted food...

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Who, what, where, when, why the hell?

Who, what, where, when, why the hell?

Questioning hell When I first heard the gospel, it was good news. Everybody was going to hell where there would be eternal, unbearable punishment…wait, here’s the good part: I didn’t have...

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Making Time for Intimacy

Making Time for Intimacy

Repost: Originally posted October 3, 2022 I’m trying to practice the rhythm of consistency, but sometimes it’s not possible. Last week’s blog was quarantined as non-essential and stayed inside. Rhythm There are people...

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The Ordination of Humankind

The Ordination of Humankind

Twelve is a significant number in the Bible. There were 12 tribes of Israel, and Jesus chose 12 disciples. He even chose 12 knowing there would be one who was...

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Just before you came in...

Just before you came in...

Years ago, I was at a home group where everyone discussed works versus faith. We're saved by grace through faith, but the idea of this necessary component of works comes from...

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Here's What You Need to Do

Here's What You Need to Do

Recently, we watched a television series called Ted Lasso. It's about an American football coach who goes to England to coach a British football team (soccer). There are three guys...

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Uncovered

Uncovered

I once asked my pastor why a woman had to have her hair covered in church. He gave me so many words that it was clear he didn’t know. During...

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What No Eye Has Seen

What No Eye Has Seen

I’ve been contemplating hell for the last year and a half, and I’ll post about that soon. But first, I wanted to share some thoughts about Heaven. Just musings. I...

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My Immortality

My Immortality

In literature, you often see a closing image that highlights or completes the opening image. It can be for good or for bad. It brings the theme full-circle. Sometimes it’s...

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Unquestioning Obedience

Unquestioning Obedience

I think I always trusted that you could wrestle with God, but felt there was a warning, or at least a caveat. If you wrestle with him, you’ll come away...

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The Things That Are God's

The Things That Are God's

I'm not thinking of taxes, yet. I will be in a few weeks when I sit down to organize everything. I'm just thinking about how much I love the interaction...

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Tramplin' all the way. Ha Ha. Ha.

Tramplin' all the way. Ha Ha. Ha.

Are your nativities put away and your Christmas cleaned up? If you were a Christian in the 90s, you may remember a saying, “If it became illegal to be a Christian,...

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Oh the Molehills I've Died Upon

Oh the Molehills I've Died Upon

I believe there are mutually exclusive truths about God. I just don’t accept that humans have all the details—or that we will have them this side of eternity....

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Before You Receive

Before You Receive

It's hard to be vulnerable enough to receive with thankfulness. Don't make these assumptions when you receive gifts....

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Before You Give

Before You Give

Things to think about before you give and receive gifts in our privileged society....

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On the Floor, Not at the Table

On the Floor, Not at the Table

It’s my understanding that sitting at a Rabbi’s feet showed a posture of learning. You were their disciple if you sat at there. This is why it was so significant...

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For Your Viewing Pleasure

For Your Viewing Pleasure

You weren’t made for the sole viewing pleasure of the masses....

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The Hevel that You Know

The Hevel that You Know

The point of our life is not to vote for the hevel that you know, but to bring God’s kingdom to earth as it operates in heaven....

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Why You Matter

Why You Matter

Last weekend I spoke at the first Fall Gathering for IdaHope Christian Writers and I wanted to share my talk here....

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Writing devos by Hilarey

Hilarey is the President of IdaHope Christian Writers in Boise, Idaho.

Hilarey recently read

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Recent posts

  • April 3, 2026 by Hilarey Judge God
  • March 20, 2026 by Hilarey Judge No One & Judge Others
  • March 6, 2026 by Hilarey Judge Yourself & Let No One Judge You
  • October 10, 2025 by Hilarey In All Your Right-Rightness
  • September 5, 2025 by Hilarey Of Mystics and Medicine

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