Years ago, I was at a home group where everyone discussed works versus faith.
We’re saved by grace through faith, but the idea of this necessary component of works comes from James, who says, “I will show you my faith by my works.” It shows up in other places of scripture as well, indicating that you might not have faith if it doesn’t manifest as fruit in your life. For example, 1 John 3:17, “But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him?”
But back to the home group, the conversation turned to how you can’t have faith without works…but you can display works without faith. Still, we are told to discern this way.
Someone suggested that the more dramatic a life of sacrifice looked, the less we should assume they’re saved. I don’t believe this, just be an observer with me. People were joking around and someone commented that Mother Teresa might not even know God. No disrespect was intended, I believe her journals prove she was working out her faith with fear and trembling, as we’re told to. The point: when you judge a life by its appearance of fruit—it can look like it’s flourishing when it isn’t.
Someone arrived late to the home group. The facilitator gave a one-sentence summary of our discussion. The latecomer blurted something to the effect of, “As far as doing good works, I’m just going to stand next to Mother Teresa!”
Awkward chuckles. Followed by silence.
The thing about jokes is that they rarely have the same impact of humor in the retelling. You need to be there in the moment. And since the joke wasn’t worthwhile—why take time to embarrass the latecomer, just so he could be on the inside of it? Maybe it would have worked if the people were close, but it was the first time meeting together.
Validation through conflict
Have you ever had an experience where you said something, feeling authoritative, only to have the listener reply, “Hmm, interesting,” or just move along? There have been times I’ve listened to a rant and realized it wasn’t worth the energy to comment.
Silence, in the wake of opinion, sounds similar to deference. But I don’t think that’s a reason to clarify or contradict. I think it’s health to come to a place where you don’t need others to know where you stand.
Here are two instances where it isn’t worth bringing someone up to speed:
First, when they’re missing too much information, and your level of intimacy, or desired intimacy, doesn’t require them to be “in the know.”
Second, when you know them well enough to know that their opinions are deep-seated, but you don’t need to convince them differently in order to love them.
If you want to bring someone up to speed, keep in mind that for most people, the first reaction will be to defend their statement regardless. I’ve read that we can feel a fight/flight response when we think someone is disagreeing with us. What a spectacle to imagine the home group trying to clarify everyone’s intention and Mother Teresa’s faith when it wasn’t the point, and no one knew her.
Ask yourself when you consider challenging someone or bringing them into your knowledge, “What is my end goal?” Is the goal increased intimacy? Or just a fleeting feeling of rightness? A semblance of validation through conflict?
The result might not be worth the cost.
Intimacy with disagreement
I’m in a nonfiction book club right now and every time I hear, “I disagree,” I actually feel happy, because disagreement can be an invitation to intimacy, to wrestle.
These women know each other well and don’t require agreement to love each other. They’re working out the topic together and individually. They don’t need the journey to match each other’s. But not everyone has this trust with you.
Don’t assume in the wake of people’s silence that the volume of your words, the intensity of your conviction, and the persuasiveness of your argument has brought them over to your belief.
What’d I miss?
When you blurt out some opinion with gusto and everyone awkwardly chuckles—or is silent—it might just be that you missed something.
Because it isn’t always deference when people let you say your opinions. Sometimes they’re just ignoring you.
Isn’t this the truth?
“Silence, in the wake of opinion, sounds similar to deference…” paragraph is something i have had to learn.
It is not always in my best interest or the interest of others, to explain or catch them up. As a matter of fact, this can be a real tool for those who really aren’t looking to grow, but only to spew their opinions and win such as abusive or destructive relationship patterns. Well said, sister!