The Husband Leader

Posted on by Hilarey

the husband leader | the wife follower

There was a time early in my marriage when my husband wanted to go into partnership with someone to buy a karate school. We’d just returned from Eastern Europe, where he’d taught martial arts, and we weren’t settled into jobs yet. It was a dream come true for him. We didn’t need money to invest, just our time and name. It provided financially, and would keep us in the small community where our family lived.

My husband was excitedly telling a man from our church about the opportunity. The man glanced over at me. Then said kindly, “What does your bride have to say?” I didn’t want to be yoked to a non-believer. I think he could tell by my face—so he wanted my husband to say it. My husband mumbled something to the effect of “She’s not on board.”

Our friend kept his smile, but something hardened. The gist of his reply was, “God gave you this woman for her insight. Why wouldn’t you listen to her?” And then he explained how every time he hadn’t listened to his wife—things went awry in his life and career.

It was a big deal for my young husband to relinquish that dream. He’d already given up teaching in Europe because I was pregnant. But, I don’t think it was more than a year before the one who purchased the karate school without us cheated on his wife with a student.

The husband is the head of his wife

Scholars spend years on the word and only fully settle the meaning for themselves and the ones who have predetermined to agree to the interpretation. I could look up a lexicon and memorize a Greek word—but I can’t read, much less study and translate Greek, so I won’t touch it.

The verse example of unequally yoked oxen describes the struggle of a believer and a nonbeliever tied together, but it’s also a good image of marriage. A team pulling a load needs to work in unison.

I often hear the military illustration that there needs to be a clear leader in the home. “We need to know who is the head or it will be chaos on the battlefield.” Hopefully, your sanctuary doesn’t mimic war, but, when there’s conflict, I agree the wife can show trust in God by submitting her will to her husband. It can be beautiful for all parties involved—provided there is no abuse. In destructive relationships, all guidelines need caveats, clarification, and exceptions. Enabling someone to sin is to be a contributor to their sin. Even if the sin is against you, it is the work of the enemy to keep someone trapped in sin.

(ESV) Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Eph 5:22-24

Let’s first acknowledge that the church submits to Christ with free will, and when it is from Christ, it is supposed to be an easy yoke. If she is really struggling to lay down her will, it might not be her fault.

When I see Traditional American church culture built around this verse of women submitting, it makes me think of when Vashti didn’t obey the king of Persia in the book of Ester. All the officials were worried their wives might not submit either, so they encouraged the king to get a new wife and sweetened the deal with a beauty contest that stole all the available girls and castrated all the available boys. Humans always try to teach culture as biblical. Then, when it comes to choosing to obey God, we prefer to adhere to current cultural traditions, including church-culture.

So what does the submitting look like? I’ll tell you what it doesn’t look like.

Selfish husbands would rather spend for their own pleasure than buy diapers. Being the “head” isn’t making decisions alone, controlling the money, telling her to be quiet, or suppressing her opinions and desires while he exalts his own. Letting him do these things is not godly submission.

Neither does it mean he initiates all things. What one man can excel in every area? Some men are good at bringing play and fun into the house, some are good at providing, some are good at studying scripture, some initiate exercise. This is one of my irritations of romance novels. Women fantasize about a god-like man who replaces God as her husband, and does all things perfectly. He is handsome, rich, and surprisingly, still interested in her hot mess.

Should a husband lead in an area he is not qualified? Why did God say it is not good for men to be alone? A marriage should counterbalance strengths and weaknesses. Geese fly in a V formation, taking turns facing the brunt of the wind.

I’ve been told in church to submit first, and then he will lead. I’ve also been told that when he doesn’t lead well, let him fail and keep practicing… and tell him he’s doing a good job. (I think that’s only come from pastors who later cheated on their wives. Which is an interesting correlation.) You cannot make someone else follow God. Your submission (especially to his rebellion to God) won’t make him a better leader.

It isn’t godly submission to stand by while he runs your very joint life off a cliff, destroying you along with him. “Keep trying honey, we’ll both be out of jail soon.”

(ESV) In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. Eph 5:28-30

So—women, don’t exalt your will in this joint endeavor of marriage, but I would say if a husband doesn’t relinquish his will to her in equal measure, then he isn’t loving her as Christ loved the church and gave his life for her.

And when we come to that impasse, who should give up their will first? Probably the more godly one. Although, maybe it should be the husband if he doesn’t want his prayer life hindered. Hey, giving up his will first is almost like an example of leading.

Just kidding. Verses (like that) can be destructive weapons out of the whole-Bible context. When you see something confusing, look for the over-correction or clarification, which typically follows a few paragraphs down. And if you’re going to talk about authority in a marriage, include 1 Corinthians 7:14, which says that husbands and wives both have authority over each other.

There’s a difference between submitting your will for peace and stumbling after a blind leader when you have access to a true shepherd.

There were several reasons I didn’t finish and don’t recommend the book, A Woman After God’s Heart, but there’s one example in it I want to highlight. She gets a call from her husband who says he wants to take a job in another country, so he’s uprooting their life. Her immediate reply is “I’ll start packing.” She applauded herself for submitting so quickly and trusting her husband so implicitly. Anyone who loves the idea of change and adventure would probably do the same.

The problem I have with this example is that withholding her opinion and counsel from her husband puts an inordinate amount of responsibility on his shoulders. Remember, it isn’t good for man to be alone. When God is gracious enough to give a man a wife, why wouldn’t that man utilize her wisdom, sensitivity, insight, and counsel? Why would a woman withhold all that from a man she cares about? Because he’s the head? Does that mean he should lead without resources? What about a calculator? Can he have access to that? Or is he just so very in charge?

It makes me think of a loveless marriage in a Regency novel where the woman complains if she wants a new wardrobe or to throw a party, but does not know about the finances. It just becomes a battle of wills for each spouse to get what they want. Don’t call him the leader just so you can blame stuff on him. No one-flesh union. No partnership in financial, logistical, and spiritual burdens.

And here comes the crux of my ire. A spiritual leader? Does that mean he is part of your relationship with God? Are you allowed to have a relationship with God without a husband’s permission? Is he alone responsible for telling the family what God is saying? Should a woman read the Bible without his lead?

Or does this only apply to women with husbands who profess faith? I wonder if our concept of spiritual leadership is just a tradition from when women couldn’t study theology, or couldn’t read at all, and they needed someone literate to help them?

I would say seeking a guide is a problem in the modern church. When people do not search scripture on their own and look to a pastor, or anyone else, to teach them spiritual truth. The hierarchy of church is for structure and organization. It’s logistical—not your access to God. Throw those tables over. Learn how to feed yourself. Each one of us should seek to grow and bring that growth back to the community.

Unless he is using verses as weapons against her or the kids—every believing woman wants her husband to know scripture and to speak it over their life. So yes, let him wash and nourish away. But she needs to be searching on her own to hear God’s voice. She needs to bring scripture to the family table as much as him. It isn’t unfathomable that the reason men were told to “wash their wives in the word” is because they were the ones who needed to be told, and women often naturally seek spiritual things.

Adam was told not to eat of the Tree of Knowledge, and even though we don’t see in scripture God directly telling Eve, I like to think maybe God reiterated trusting him when he walked with them in the cool of the evening, and it just isn’t recorded. Eve’s deception was when she trusted the crafty twisting of God’s words. I think men of the church are conditioned and trained to not trust Eve’s daughters, because “Eve was deceived,” but also, because as part of the curse, she probably wants his job and he needs to protect it.

I don’t interpret Genesis 3:16 that women want a Manchild to be responsible for, or to boss around, as a result of the curse. I think “her desire for her husband” is more than interplay and who’s in charge. Eve could have walked with God in the garden, but now she will always have unfulfilled relational longing that she’ll try to satisfy in a husband. So much, that it could be used against her to keep her in a dysfunctional relationship. I see “He will rule over you” as a prophecy from God (this is what men will do), not a command. Life is going to get harder: there will be pain in childbirth, men will dominate, and weeds will grow in the ground. This isn’t the way it was supposed to be.

It’s true that Adam was made before Eve. But Adam is the one who brought sin into the world. Relying on Adam for leadership when it involves disobeying God… still gets you kicked out of the garden.

When Moses was not following God’s instructions, his wife rose up and did his job. Who knows why Moses was ignoring the Lord? Maybe it was apathy, revulsion, laziness or disobedience. But it says the Lord sought to kill Moses because of it. Zipporah circumcised her son. She saved Moses’ life. If a woman knows God’s will differs from her husband’s, she should not submit to the mortal.

I appreciate when churches are careful to emphasize that the husband is a servant-leader because Christ demonstrated servant leadership in the structure of the church. As I said in Uncovered, Christ showed kingdom leadership to the point of Peter’s embarrassment. Christian leadership should not look like the rest of the world, defined by the leader being in charge and everyone politely or fearfully deferring to him.

I know sometimes it’s just semantics to want one word over another. Head, source, leadership, submission. But for marriage: an equally yoked, one-flesh union of mutual submission, why even use the word “leader” if the husband should be (embarrassingly) serving according to the New Testament disruptions of cultural norms? Why would we try to bring back the Roman, Greek or Jewish culture of Jesus’ day when Paul took care to upset it and say there is no more male or female, slave or free in the kingdom?

I know too many women without a believing man in her home. Is she out of luck? What about when the husband is in sin? And then, if suddenly her man comes to church, does he regain control of telling her what church to go to, and when to go? I know mature Christians in decades of marriage where his spirituality leads beautifully. I know people in decades of marriage where this same thinking is detrimental to her and the kids’ relationship with God.

We don’t see this in any other place of structural organization in the church. You don’t allow elders and deacons to rise in the church unless they are mature in their faith. You give an appropriate amount of headship to someone who is tested. You have boundaries until people have stacked opportunity with trust and responsibility. And the more that you can trust them, the more privilege you give them. Don’t lay hands on them too quickly. A new convert shouldn’t be in charge of anything. And some failings and weaknesses should preclude authority in those areas. Why should that look different in the home?

Romans 12:6-8 talks about spiritual gifts. Leadership is one of those gifts, and those who lead are to do it diligently. Your gender does not prevent or mandate your gifting in leadership . Christian men are not leaders just because they are men.

The other day, I asked my husband what he thought leadership looked like in a marriage. He said, to him, it meant “he leads himself.” That is something I would follow. That is tested leadership. Following someone who seeks to follow God. There is a reason I’ve been married to him for three decades. If I was going to let anyone be my spiritual leader, it would be him.

But gosh, the veil has been torn. I have direct access to God.

Now I can sit back and wait for comments asking if my husband read this, and gave me permission to post it.

Abide in me

Posted on by Hilarey

A few years ago, one of my prayer partners received the word “abide” from God, and so we spent a fair amount of time talking about it.

But first, we had different definitions of what it meant, so we had to come up with a common language to communicate. I remember that one of the thoughts I had about its meaning was “to wait.” Someone else said “to rest.”

We were surprised when we looked it up because one definition is “to tolerate.” Think, “I can’t abide that.”

It’s come up again recently. My pastor shared that an image of abiding was like jumping into the ocean where you are completely consumed. You become part of the ocean, no self remains outside of it.

The Vine

Christ said if you abide me and I and you, then you will bear much fruit. Most translations say “remain.”

Even though there is a measurable end result of bearing fruit, I do not care for definitions of abide that require you to do good works. Works result from abiding, and there’s a difference.

I’ve heard it said in yoga class that Savasana or corpse pose can be the most difficult. This is that final part of the practice where you lay prostate, and try not to fall asleep. The reason it’s hard is that you have to make yourself do nothing. You actively rest.

Even though I don’t think you should define it by doing something, you won’t accidentally abide.

I define abiding as this same intentional rest, or actively obediently remaining. The active part is that you are making yourself stay. Stay still, stay present, stay with God. The obedient part is that you rest or remain and let him inside of you.

There’s a song I enjoy by Bob Millspaugh called Redemption. It has a Johnny Cash vibe, and my favorite line is, “The vine it grafted me, and I clung to the tree.” Spotify Version

The image I see for abiding is always a grafted tree or vine. And that’s not by accident, it’s the description Christ uses in his command in John 15. But Paul also uses it in an illustration of how we’re brought into the family of God in Romans 11.

Grafting is fascinating. And most of the stone fruit trees I’ve planted were one variety grafted onto a different variety’s root system. I’ve never actually grafted something myself. But I’ve seen what’s called a fruit cocktail tree, where multiple kinds of fruit branches are grafted in.

You cut a branch at a particular angle from one tree, then cut a branch that same angle on another tree. Then you bind the branch of the first to the second. The graft must remain there until the wound seals and the juices from the tree flow into the branch.

As I mentioned in my post Praying Naked, sex can be more invasive for women. And so, I think women intrinsically comprehend the mystery. She takes something into her body which creates life and grows, but does not originate completely in her. There is a fear of losing herself as she allows it to radically change her. What was a woman now becomes a mother. Men can only observe this process.

I’m hardly the first to use the analogy of sex. And Christ said to take his blood and his broken body inside of you. So there actually is an opportunity for everyone to experience the metaphor.

You take something inside of you. Life begins. It fundamentally changes you. And then it produces fruit.

If you remain

Just as you won’t accidentally abide, I don’t believe you could accidentally lose your salvation. You can’t misplace it or have it stolen from you.

Even though I was raised there is no way to “lose” your salvation, both Christ and Paul gave intense warnings about not abiding or remaining. This is where I think the English definition “to tolerate” does not work. I don’t think God will just tolerate a diseased or non-producing branch. Paul warns that if the natural branches were broken off and removed because of unbelief, we should not be arrogant. Christ says the braches will be burned John 15 and Paul says we should not assume we will be spared Romans 11.

Actively, obediently remaining while nourishing sap flows through you.

God prunes healthy branches so they produce more fruit, and sometimes he prunes non-producing branches to stimulate growth. And sometimes he grafts new ones in.

The vine, it grafted me, and I clung to the tree.

Giving, Accepting and Celebrating Love

Posted on by Hilarey

I received some council this week, which I desperately needed. And I will share some of my thoughts processing it in honor of today.

If you swing from opposite ends between pride and debasement, arrogance and self loathing—try to remember that following God is all about walking in the uncomfortable tension in the middle.

We see tension everywhere in scripture. Like the “already—but not yet” concept of salvation. We see it in that tenuous path between law and grace, where we are completely commanded to follow the Lord in fearful-awe, and completely forgiven when we do not, trusting his loving long-suffering and gentleness.

Abstinence can be easier than moderation because it’s difficult to balance. Some of the most unattractive things about faith groups are when they do not walk in this tension and set up camp on either end. All fearful law or cheap grace. But again, and again, we rest in knowing that two things can be true.

As you love yourself

The admonition I received was that inside the greatest two Commandments, a third component is inferred. That you are loving yourself.

Love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, mind, and soul. Love your neighbor as yourself.

Somehow, we translate this into “love your neighbor more than yourself.”

It seems to be coming full circle for me, with the book I read last fall on boundaries. Setting aside the false doctrine of unworthiness, allowing destruction to wreak havoc in your life because, after all, “Christ laid down his life as a sacrifice.” So all Christians should be devalued as a reflection of him.

Somehow, we know that’s not right, and here’s where we dabble in riding the pendulum. Trying to counteract shame with self-exaltation. Deep insecurity often fronts with bravado.

Intentionally laying down your life as a gift is far different from allowing others to control you and orchestrate destruction in your soul.

But, it’s quite a journey from:
you don’t have a right to boundaries…
to:
boundaries are godly…
then:
not only do you have a right to them, but it’s poor stewardship if you do not protect your relationship with God.

You actually have a responsibility, believer, to create a divide that keeps chaos out of your soul.

Back to self

I was also encouraged that the middle tension between pride and self debasement is actually self-confidence.

Confident in God’s love for you. Confident in who he says you are, and that you are made in his image.

So on this day we celebrate love, I want to encourage you to confidently love yourself.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I decided to rewrite this verse to myself, so I could see how I was doing. Whether or not you received a love letter today, I think it would be beautiful to rewrite this verse (or paraphrase it out loud) to yourself as well.

Here is what I found:
I’m impatient when I want a quick fix. I’m not kind in my self-talk. Internal pride and external boasting destroy me inside and out. My body is a temple, and I am free to honor it. Self-seeking is choosing the moment over the lasting. Being angry with myself and then listing my wrongs is mimicking the accuser, and not my Lord. Instead of taking pleasure in things that are not from God—rejoice in seeking and finding truth. Protect and guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Trust that you’re made in the image of God, and his arm is not too short to save you. Hope and persevere, which is to anticipate in joy, even while you endure without seeing the promise.

To compare: I’m impatient when I want a quick fix. (Love is patient.) I’m not kind in my self-talk. (Love is kind.) Internal pride and external boasting destroy me inside and out. (Love does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.) My body is a temple, and I am free to honor it. (Love does not dishonor.) Self-seeking is choosing the moment over the lasting. (Love is not self-seeking.) Being angry with myself and then listing my wrongs is mimicking the accuser, and not my Lord. (Love is not easily angered and keeps no record of wrongs.)

You get the picture.

If your first self-check doesn’t reveal any areas of confident success, that’s part of the process. Next, rewrite to yourself as a promise.

Happy Valentine’s Day. You are loved.

One Body, One Hope—But it Looks Different

Posted on by Hilarey

I didn’t mean to go so far over my 7 or 8 minute goal in one post. But when I skip weeks, it builds up. There’s a lot of verse links in this one, I hope you double check them all and spend some time pondering their validity. I’d love the conversation.

My favorite recipe app shut down at the start of winter. I wasn’t able to print or bookmark the recipes I’d saved. They are lost to me. It reminds me that years ago I had a daydream where I was reading a digital Bible, and the words started changing and updating to propaganda and lies while I read it. (Since I knew didn’t want to write an apocalyptic novel, I realized my imagination was telling me that I needed to know my Bible, not just know where it’s stored.)

And even still, I prefer the convenience of my digital Bible. Although I use Bible Project frequently, my favorite daily app is Olive Tree. I read through and start over. Occasionally, I try themed reading plans. Every year I am more in awe, and assured it is the Word of God. It always takes me much longer than a year to read through, and I just finished Revelation.

There is a lot going on in this book. And I’m currently contemplating how intriguing it is that even though there is one God, one body, one hope… Jesus Christ introduces and represents himself differently to the seven churches.

To the first church, he introduces himself as the one who holds the seven stars in his right hand and walks among the seven lamp stands. Revelation 2:1
To the second, he is the first and the last, who died and came to life. Verse 2:8
Then, he declares he is the one with the sharp two-edged sword. Verse 2:12
Next, he doesn’t have a sword. He tells the church that he has eyes like a flame of fire, with feet of burnished bronze. Verse 2:18
In chapter three verse one he describes himself with a similarity to the first church displaying seven stars. But now, he has the seven spirits of God with those stars.
In 3:7, he is the holy one, the true one. And he has the key of David; he opens what no one will shut and shuts what no one opens.
To the last church in 3:14 he is the Amen. The faithful and true witness, the beginning of God’s creation.

Superficially we can look at this is and realize, he’s different to different people. It’s true, you can find God in art, you can find God in science. If something is truly good, it comes from God, no matter the label. And even though Jesus is the only gate, we have to allow that some things look different from our different angles.

We can take that too far, though. The New Testament is clear that rejecting Jesus is rejecting God. We don’t want to risk making a god of our own design and saying all actions and paths lead to him.

Really, all paths lead to decisions. Continually, eventually, your decisions lead you toward or away from the heart of Christ. And just because you acknowledge that Jesus is the gate—or you have said that magic prayer—it doesn’t mean your decisions and actions are still running after his heart.

And, the decisions we need to make each day haven’t changed. I must decide if I am going to do what I want (or eat the fruit) and call my own choices wisdom. Listen, I don’t think Adam and Eve bit down in nervous, regretful, guilt. They rationalized that what they were doing was advantageous, desirous…smart. They elevated their choice with justification and reason. That’s how we end up blocked from the tree of life. It’s how we end up with everyone doing “what is right in their own eyes,” as demonstrated in the historical-chaos-accounts of the Old Testament.

The decision is still to do what he says is best for human flourishing—or to continue tasting and cultivating your palate toward bitterness, rage, anger, or immorality. And rationalizing it.

My path looks different from yours

However, I do giggle at the thought of one church saying to another that God Most High is clearly the one with the sharp, two-edged sword. And the other church replying, “Heavens no, you apostate from hell, God Most High has seven stars in his hand and walks among the seven lamp stands.”

And then the battle ensues. They slaughter each other for generations over the doctrine of swords and stars. Sometimes the church of the seven spirits helps, because after all, they have the commonality of the seven stars, and they can set the lamp stands aside for a minute to get rid of the sword church. Or at the very least, the factions split and they badmouth each other across town while the non-believers look on and roll their eyes.

We are told that our love for each other will prove we are disciples. Why then, is it so surprising that pseudo-love (sex) is more compelling to the world than our division and fear?

We see a greater totality of God when we’re connected to others who are different from ourselves and who see God differently. The church in Asia, the church in Africa, the church in Europe… the church across the street, all have things we don’t know about—and need. When the body is complete, we have access to all the body’s functions and resources. Swords and stars.

There is a similarity in Revelation after Christ introduces himself differently. In each of Christ’s messages to the seven churches, there’s a reward for “the one who conquers, is victorious, or overcomes.”

I believe the promises that follow the admonitions are for all who overcome, even though specific churches needed specific encouragements, and… specific warnings that pertain to particular broken things in their individual culture.

Here is the list of those promises: the one who overcomes gets to eat of the tree of life in the paradise of God (2:7). The one who overcomes will not be hurt by the second death (2:11). They will get some of the hidden manna and a white stone with a new name written on that stone that no one knows (2:17). They will have authority over the nations, to rule. And they will receive the morning star (2:26-28). They will be clothed in white garments, their name will never be blotted out of the book of life and Christ will confess their name before the father and angels (3:5). They will become a pillar in the temple of God, never to leave it. And Christ says he will write on them the name of his God, the name of the city of God…and Christ’s own new name (3:12).

To be completely transparent about why I say all of those rewards apply to all the churches: It’s because I tend to take all the promises from the Bible for personal application—if not direct receipt. I cling to David’s promises in the Psalms as something I have access to. But, to be fair, I also believe all the warnings still apply to me as well. It’s not à la cate: good stuff for me, and the warnings for the Jews.

Your path looks different from mine

This is not the only time God looks different. Our unique brains, cultures and experiences make it difficult to agree on how to build a compost pile, much less how to live in sincere peace with God Most High. So, our multifaceted Christ also pursues us differently according to our individual needs. Sometimes he comes after us like the shepherd who leaves the flock behind, to search us out. Then, carries our trembling hide home with more rejoicing than he has for the 99.

But sometimes, he waits patiently for us to return like the prodigal father. Running to us only after we turn toward home. Waiting until we want him, before he falls on our neck with a kiss.

Sometimes he draws us into the pain of the wilderness to remove our distraction, or semblance of strength, and to see our need. He wants us to experience calling out to him so we can experience his answer.

Sometimes he wants us to wait patiently for him. And don’t think you can experience “patiently” without a difficult stretch of time in longing.

Different reactions to the choice

In the parable of the dinner feast, Christ says in Luke 14:16–24 that many people have excuses for why they cannot come to the feast, or at least come right now. The excuses are interesting to me: owning land, working, getting married. All things greatly valued in American Christendom. Is it not ironic that we preach “Get a job, buy dirt, make a bio family and then you’ll experience God’s blessing…” when those are the specific entrapments that actually kept people from going to the feast in the parable?

We’ll just skip over the obvious parable of the same seed falling on different soil and consider the varied reactions when Paul preached in Athens in Acts 17:22-34. Some laughed, some said they’d hear more later, and some believed. I think the ones who go to church every week, tell other people they’re going to hell, while rationalizing their own discrete sins, are the “We’d like to hear more on this topic” group.

When Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead in John 11:44, the people who watched reacted in two different ways. “Many of the Jews, therefore, who had come with Mary and had seen what he did, believed in him, but some of them went to the Pharisees and told them what Jesus had done.” Verses 45 & 46.

Even though a dead man had been restored to life—they were more concerned about upsetting their societal structure, their man-made religious government.

And then, even some of those who believed the miracle of Lazarus still rejected the call to live it out. John 12:42-43 says “Nevertheless, many even of the authorities believed in him, but for fear of the Pharisees they did not confess it, so that they would not be put out of the synagogue; for they loved the glory that comes from man more than the glory that comes from God.”

Different reactions to the ongoing choice

Freewill is obviously destructive to the world. But, don’t forget: freewill from believers hurts people just as much. It is possible to go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of truth. Just because you walk through the gate, it doesn’t mean you loose the dignity of your free choice.

In Matthew 21:28-32 the parable is of two sons—so I think of them as children of God, as believers. Did you think after your wedding day that you would never have another decision regarding your sexual morality? Did you think it would always be the easy, first choice to obey God after conversion? In actuality, once abiding has reigned in some of the outwardly demonstrated sins like rage and drunkenness, you can start to feel the less obvious inflammation of subtle diseases, like jealousy.

Those continual choices of submission, after we come to the Lord, actually increase. The boys in the parable were told to work in the vineyard. One said no, but then later went. One said yes, but did not go. Jesus asked the men who had dedicated their entire life to studying the scriptures, “Which son obeyed?”

These devout men said it was the first who obeyed. Because action matters more than the promise, right? Here’s where Jesus gets insult-y. He replied to them the worst, most unlikely converts, and outcast enemies of your society will enter heaven before you. Verse 32.

Hmm, are there any unlikely converts and outcast enemies according to your church’s “about page”?

We’re missing something if we think either obeyed. So don’t bother giving lip service to God or others about your faith. Prove it with your actions and your love.

The same answer

Ok, so different parts of the body, different angles of view, but our obedience will have similarities. We get hung up on allowable and cultural differences like who’s in the buffet line for sacrificed meat—but submission is evident by fruit of the spirit.

Also, allow that in all our differences, we also grow and learn at different speeds. But make no mistake. Jesus said, if you love me, you will keep my commands. The follower of Jesus won’t be the one who tells others to obey from blog, podcast, pulpit or book. Even Paul said he could be disqualified while leading others to God—if he wasn’t careful. Nor will true followers be the one who merely prophesy in his name…or who do amazing miracles. It will be the one who practices abiding in love and obedience.

We mistake God being for long-suffering with us, as permission, and his long-suffering with others, as participation in evil.

This bucks at the “Grace is so dang cheap, it’s free!” doctrine I’ve met along the way. I’m still working through it, but it jolts me every time I read, “Not all who cry Lord, Lord, will enter heaven. But only the one who does the will of my father.” Matthew 7:21

He is still calling you

Since some will stand before God at the end and be surprised that he says, “I never knew you,” we should rethink the once-saved-always-saved, one-and-done-magic-prayer, and then live-like-hell-in-religiosity (while condemning the unlikely converts and outcast enemies) religion. I used to tell myself that the ones who cried out “Lord, Lord” were probably going to be the other orthodox or Episcopalians. Just some denomination I didn’t belong to and didn’t know much about. But no, I am the church.

And if you think there is submission involved in coming to the end of yourself and understanding that you need God for salvation… ponder the submission it takes to daily choose his way against your desire. To hourly accept letting go of the things you want, and understand, and are familiar, for the things that he says are better.

Believer, he is still calling you to more, to go deeper. Relinquish more. Abide more. Change more. Don’t ignore it. Hebrews 3 says it is an ongoing choice to not turn away from the living God.

Crowds surrounded him and wanted to be tangential to Christ. We can still mingle tangentially, prophesy and weep for the lost—but never submit to God. Because when Christ gave the call to the masses that surrounded him to follow and obey, not everyone did. Some had really good excuses. (Excuses are not the same as clarification, questions and wrestling with God.)

Look how it played out, Peter fell to his knees when Christ told him, “Follow me and I will make you a fisher of men.”
When James & John got the call, they left their dad & boat.
But other men he called said, “Let me first bury my dad,” or “Let me say goodbye to my family.”

As an adult, you get to live the life you want. Sure, only within your power and circumstance, but all your justifications, excuses and responses dictate your life. You have this ongoing choice to walk toward or away from the heart of Christ.

Is there anything you are waiting on, or need to take care of, or bury before you answer the call to go deeper?

Don’t waste your time saying goodbye to it.

Your Own Hands

Posted on by Hilarey

I love the hopeful newness of January. I like resolutions. Although, if you were raised to believe you had to honor your word, it is a little painful to promise yourself something and not follow through. So, I understand those who are dead-set against resolutions. Usually, though, resolutions are all the same things that you want to do all year long. So if you haven’t trained for that marathon, lost that weight, learned a new language, gotten sober, or written your memoir yet—you break those promises to yourself every month. 

It just feels like a clean slate at the new year, and there’s something invigorating about the old-self applying to a different year in the past. Not a few days ago. It’s why I love to use this time of the year to throw away everything expired in my cupboards, fridge and cabinets. Let the bad fall away behind you and keep walking. Try again. Start over.

A marathon is not on my list this year. I never want to run one. But, a few years ago I was training to walk/run half-marathons. We were helping to raise money for AIDS orphanages in India through the ministry fiftytwo.4. If you haven’t trained six-months to run thirteen miles every Saturday in October, you may not know that the mental battle is more than half of the challenge. Sure, you train your body for endurance if you want to be able to move after each run. But you have no idea how many excuses a human can come up with until you’ve tried something uncomfortable that lasts more than one season. Though it got easier, I never did get a runner’s high, or enjoy running. I had to battle my mind at every practice run.

One time, a woman shared at our group training that God had spoken to her during her runs. He showed her she was clenching her hands too tightly. Not just literally—during the physical activity of running—but when she prayed to him while running. She was clinging to the things she loved. And it represented her fear that God would take them away from her. So, she was learning to run with her palms open and lifted to display her submission to God. So lovely! 

As a side note: it’s recently become really impactful to me to understand that God gives us agency. He allows us to open or close to him. People like to joke about how God got their attention and made them do something. Feeling compelled to act for the pleasure that is peace with God is not the same as him making you do something. If you were raised in a religious home you might have been taught obedience more than the concept of daily choice: following God because you love him. Don’t confuse the control of manwith the draw of God. You can keep your life in your own hands. 

Back to the runner’s hands: I’ve learned that when people say they’ve heard from God, I don’t need to let jealousy make me a skeptic. I just whine, “What about me, God? Do you have something for me?” That day on my run, I asked him if there was a message for me in her words. “Do I cling too tightly to the things and people I am afraid you will take away from me?”

The quick answer was no. But then I clearly heard, “But they are still clenched. You are afraid to let me give you good things.”

I looked down at my hands and tried to summon the courage to open to him. To allow God to give me good things that I might later be afraid of losing. 

I’ve written about using hands in prayer before in These Ten Things. And I read a book last year, Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster, that suggested an exercise during prayer to lay your palms flat on your legs until you come to something that you need to give to the Lord. Then, you turn your hands over and visualize offering it up to him. It was really moving for one of my prayer partners. 

I think the physical movement keeps you present. So instead of spinning in the fear and what if, your prayer a chant of “please, please God.” You acknowledge and name a thing you cannot control, and the mindful action pulls giving that thing to the Limitless God out of the symbolic, and into something more tangible.

There is a verse about hands in Proverbs which I used to see as a warning. It says a foolish woman tears down her house down with her own hands. It isn’t at all noble if a man destroys his sanctuary—he’s still a fool—so I do wonder why it says a woman. But Solomon had a lot wives, and polygamy benefits no one, so he’d probably seen it done a few times. Maybe it has something to do with the way a physical space reflects the spirit of the one who manages it, frequently a woman. I’m not talking about clutter, but if you are in pain and chaos in your brain—there will be tension in the home. Even if it isn’t your doing, or you aren’t allowed to be in control of your house, something ethereal about the room displays the space in your head.

However, even people who can’t sit still unless there’s chaos probably don’t want to tear their home down with their own hands. I think that’s the heart behind the statement in Proverbs. 

But sometimes renovation is in order. Even with the structure that you think provides all your shelter—there is a time to build and a time to tear down.

Most of the lines in the song Poison and Wine by the Civil Wars feel like the barb twisting inside human love, but there is one line that especially applies here. “Your hands can heal. Your hands can bruise.” 

Your hands can be used for good. Your hands can be used for bad. So, in addition to scrambling after new achievements this year, I think it’s worth contemplating your own hands.

Consider if your fingers are clenched too tight to receive from God. Are they squeezing the life out of the thing you want to control, but is not yours to manage? Are they mindfully holding on to what is important and you need to cling to… but loose enough to let something go, even though you love it?