Tag: relationships

Just before you came in…

Posted on by Hilarey

Years ago, I was at a home group where everyone discussed works versus faith.

We’re saved by grace through faith, but the idea of this necessary component of works comes from James, who says, “I will show you my faith by my works.” It shows up in other places of scripture as well, indicating that you might not have faith if it doesn’t manifest as fruit in your life. For example, 1 John 3:17, “But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him?”

But back to the home group, the conversation turned to how you can’t have faith without works…but you can display works without faith. Still, we are told to discern this way.

Someone suggested that the more dramatic a life of sacrifice looked, the less we should assume they’re saved. I don’t believe this, just be an observer with me. People were joking around and someone commented that Mother Teresa might not even know God. No disrespect was intended, I believe her journals prove she was working out her faith with fear and trembling, as we’re told to. The point: when you judge a life by its appearance of fruit—it can look like it’s flourishing when it isn’t.

Someone arrived late to the home group. The facilitator gave a one-sentence summary of our discussion. The latecomer blurted something to the effect of, “As far as doing good works, I’m just going to stand next to Mother Teresa!”

Awkward chuckles. Followed by silence.

The thing about jokes is that they rarely have the same impact of humor in the retelling. You need to be there in the moment. And since the joke wasn’t worthwhile—why take time to embarrass the latecomer, just so he could be on the inside of it? Maybe it would have worked if the people were close, but it was the first time meeting together.

Validation through conflict

Have you ever had an experience where you said something, feeling authoritative, only to have the listener reply, “Hmm, interesting,” or just move along? There have been times I’ve listened to a rant and realized it wasn’t worth the energy to comment.

Silence, in the wake of opinion, sounds similar to deference. But I don’t think that’s a reason to clarify or contradict. I think it’s health to come to a place where you don’t need others to know where you stand.

Here are two instances where it isn’t worth bringing someone up to speed:

First, when they’re missing too much information, and your level of intimacy, or desired intimacy, doesn’t require them to be “in the know.”

Second, when you know them well enough to know that their opinions are deep-seated, but you don’t need to convince them differently in order to love them.

If you want to bring someone up to speed, keep in mind that for most people, the first reaction will be to defend their statement regardless. I’ve read that we can feel a fight/flight response when we think someone is disagreeing with us. What a spectacle to imagine the home group trying to clarify everyone’s intention and Mother Teresa’s faith when it wasn’t the point, and no one knew her.

Ask yourself when you consider challenging someone or bringing them into your knowledge, “What is my end goal?” Is the goal increased intimacy? Or just a fleeting feeling of rightness? A semblance of validation through conflict?

The result might not be worth the cost.

Intimacy with disagreement

I’m in a nonfiction book club right now and every time I hear, “I disagree,” I actually feel happy, because disagreement can be an invitation to intimacy, to wrestle.

These women know each other well and don’t require agreement to love each other. They’re working out the topic together and individually. They don’t need the journey to match each other’s. But not everyone has this trust with you.

Don’t assume in the wake of people’s silence that the volume of your words, the intensity of your conviction, and the persuasiveness of your argument has brought them over to your belief.

What’d I miss?

When you blurt out some opinion with gusto and everyone awkwardly chuckles—or is silent—it might just be that you missed something.

Because it isn’t always deference when people let you say your opinions. Sometimes they’re just ignoring you.

Here’s What You Need to Do

Posted on by Hilarey

Recently, we watched a television series called Ted Lasso. It’s about an American football coach who goes to England to coach a British football team (soccer). There are three guys who periodically show up, watching the matches from a pub. They are either hugging each other, or screaming at the TV, depending on how the team is doing. To me, this is an icon of sports fans: somebody who couldn’t run a mile, yelling at an athlete to jump higher and run faster. Then, without any sacrifice, enjoying a sense that they were part of the conquering. But I am not super competitive, so likely there’s something I’m missing.

A yoke you couldn’t bear

It’s fun to brainstorm a book that you don’t have to write. Likewise, to offer advice that you don’t have to follow. Advice-givers can be another version of an armchair warrior.

It’s easy to demand that a teenager reign in their passions when you’ve had constant access to sex through marriage for several decades, your libido has waned with age… and you didn’t actually wait either. I’m not saying you shouldn’t tell them what God says about sexuality—but try to remember what it was like to yearn.

A spring of both fresh and salt water

Younger people are listening to everything you say. But they’re also thinking about how and why you say it. Both the intentional words you tell them and the complaints you mutter to yourself.

Previous generations said to get married, but then called their spouse a ball and chain.

They insisted that all you need to do need to do is to find a job you love, but complain about work or insist retirement is the best thing that ever happened. Then spend all their time talking about inflation and how it is impossible to live no matter what you do, and the government will take everything you ever earn, anyway.

And many say that God is on the throne, but live in despair after the election.

Do not think you are offering advice that will fix a young person’s future when you are also defeating their hopes for the future. I think this is like the spring of fresh and salt water (blessing and cursing) James 3:10 says should not come out of our mouths.

And the following generations watch even more than they listen. So if you live in fear and despair, a motivational speaker from the world appears to offer more solutions than your church.

Try inviting those you love to the good and abundant life God promised on earth—not a life filled with negativity and despair.

Maledicion

The power of our words should create a knee-shaking awe. Matthew 18:18 says, “Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.” It’s worth meditating on that section.

Telling someone “You are so far from God” is like prophesying over their life. Why not instead speak “You are never so far that the arm of the Lord cannot reach you?”

You would not speak a bad word over your child (or anyone you loved) if you believed your words bound and loosed things in both heaven and earth.

Choose your audience

Sometimes it is good to be as raw as an open wound in front of someone with a more fragile faith—when it is about your faith walk. But sometimes, when it should be about them, clean and bandage that up before you expose it.

Keep people close who can hear your work-in-progress of pain and fear. You can wrestle your curse out loud to God, or to someone who will let you take it back. But for others, finish that psalm before you speak it. David didn’t always start off holy, but he usually finishes in praise.

Finishing a psalm with unanswered prayers

Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster says, “to understand that the work of prayer involves a learning process, saves us from arrogantly dismissing it as false or unreal.” So if prayer isn’t working, he says to find out what’s broken. Maybe we have asked amiss, that we may spend it on our passions. Maybe we’re using mindless, repetitive words. Possibly we need to grow patience and faith, and God wants us to persevere so we know the answer came from him.

If you are a married man, consider how you are treating your wife if you think your prayers are hindered. But truly, it matters how any of us treat other humans. Emphasis on the “other,” since it’s godless and lazy to only love people in your tribe. Believers are warned, do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive so you will be forgiven.

And if you have caused offense, ask for forgiveness from the person before you come before the Lord. Which is hard. It’s really easier to justify your part, or pretend like it didn’t happen, and hope the other person gets over it. But how we think about and interact with others is a component to having our prayer heard…

Giving up and calling it God’s will

Defeatism about someone’s eternal election doesn’t line up with the statements of a God who desires that none should perish. “Maybe they just aren’t chosen. The Bible does say there will be a great apostasy…giant sigh.”

Foster also says in Celebration of Discipline that sometimes it is a lack of compassion on our part. “If we genuinely love people, we desire for them far more than it is within our power to give, and that will cause us to pray.” I think it’s also a great tool of the enemy to try to hide our power from us or diminish our authority by instilling a fear that we can’t know God’s will and we have to tiptoe around it in prayer. One of the points of prayer is to align yourself with God’s will. So don’t give up.

God’s coworkers

I don’t mean to indicate any kind of prosperity doctrine—but, believer, what if you could change the outcome instead of heralding the impending doom?

Jesus told his followers John 15:7, “If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you.”

Don’t forget that Moses pleaded and changed God’s mind! God also withheld the punishment he threatened Nineveh after they repented, and Abraham interacted with God in a way that indicates he could have stopped the destruction of Sodom, but at least he was able to save his family.

Pleasant words are like honeycomb

In America, we think fanny is a cute word like bootie, bum or derrière. It was a modestly popular woman’s name until the 19th century. But, it’s quite vulgar in Ireland.

Vulgarity is like modesty and has a cultural context that morphs depending on the era.

A favorite quote of mine from The Count of Monte Cristo talks about this kind of change. “The difference between treason and patriotism is only a matter of dates.”

What if a curse isn’t a word like jackass or bitch (two benign words in animal husbandry a few hundred years ago) but words that diminish a fellow human’s hope?

Stop giving your fear a voice. Rather, pray in your rightfully entitled power. If you do open your mouth, prophesy life and build up like it says in Ephesians 4:29, instead of speaking malediction over the ones you love.

Uncovered

Posted on by Hilarey

I once asked my pastor why a woman had to have her hair covered in church. He gave me so many words that it was clear he didn’t know. During a lull, his wife chimed in something about how a married woman’s hair should be covered, because her husband is over her, and he is uncovered before God.

That pastor ended up cheating on his wife. It seems some coverings have holes.

A husband as a covering

Submission, leadership and washing with the Word… Women want their husband to create an environment where it is safe to submit, for him to lead correctly and to keep truth raining down.

Sometimes, though, a husband’s “covering” can be an excuse for a lazy pursuit of God. Early in my marriage, I thought my husband should initiate Bible study, prayer, and worship. All three, not just one. It’s easier to be thin with a personal trainer & chef, so maybe it’d be easier to follow God if your husband took care of it for both of you.

Without a covering

But then I met unmarried women and women with unsaved husbands who were devout in their walk, and diligent in their personal prayer and fasting. They had to be. They didn’t have a husband-excuse to blame it on.

“It’s not about what you want…it’s about what I want,” he said.

I think it was popular a generation ago to say that the husband is the head, so he’s in charge of everything. Finances being a favorite example in Christian marriage books—regardless of who has the skill or time, or who needs to notice how the spending affects the family. I’ve met a few women from that era who were blindsided when his promise of “I’ve got it taken care of,” left her bereft and penniless at his death.

We are told in the New Testament to submit to him but not given details about what that looks like. And being the boss of everything wasn’t how Christ interacted with his disciples. Using the same example of finances: one of the twelve was treasurer. Christ, as the head, did not control the money bag. Even though Judas was stealing.

How was Christ the “head”? He degraded himself with serving to the point of Peter’s embarrassment.

Even if you are both individually fervent in your pursuit, linking your life to another changes your walk. When only one of you is elevated, man or woman, it’s easy to forget you’re on the same team.

Wives submit to your own husbands…but not like the women in the Bible

In Joshua 7, Achan sinned and stole from the Lord. I often wonder about his wife. Did she submit to him when he brought the plunder into their tent? It helps me sleep to tell myself that she must have helped him hide it. But did she really have a choice when men could divorce their wives and leave them, without education or provision, on a whim? It matters because—when he was caught, his entire family was killed, including her, their sons and daughters. Was it good to submit to him?

I know the most thorough way to punish a man is to kill off everything he loves, his progeny and, therefore, his name along with him. In movies, they even kill his dog. We see it in other places in the Bible as well, like the men who tried to feed Daniel to the lions but ended up being thrown in with their wives and children. So maybe Joshua was showing the severity of disobedience to God. We don’t know if the whole family sinned with Achan. I’m just observing the fact that, as a wife, your husband’s actions affect your life and future. Apparently, even for the chosen, as in this story, but also when Sarah obeyed Abraham. She was rewarded by being sent into a harem, twice.

The Bible makes a point to say that the second man “didn’t go near her,” but not the first. In fact, Pharoah said, “Why did you say, ‘She is my sister,’ so that I took her to be my wife?” We talk about how Sarah is in the Hall of Faith in Hebrews 11. But she is mentioned there because she believed God, not because she let her husband prostitute her. Although, I could be wrong, and it is a credit to Sarah that she submitted in this way. Free agency is a relatively new concept for women.

Submission to a mere man outside the will of God will destroy you. This could be anything from letting him remain abusive to bringing someone else into your marriage bed. Submitting does not mean following him into sin.

There will be consequences for you if you sin.

Submit to God first

Moses was supposed to circumcise his son in Exodus 4, but didn’t. The Lord was on his way to kill him. His wife, Zipporah, could have followed him obediently, but instead, she did the circumcising. She saved Moses’ life by taking charge of the situation.

David wanted help from Nabal but the man was surly and mean. David would have destroyed him and his family. Nabal’s wife, Abigail, could have just submitted. But instead, she took action outside of the will of her husband. It saved her husband’s life and her own. Later, David married her, un-submissiveness and all.

So women risk consequences if they follow their husband into sin and, likewise, they will suffer consequences if their husband is just surly, rebellious, or broken like the rest of us.

However, I believe men will have an individual reckoning because they have been entrusted with more power. And, it isn’t like my soul-health doesn’t affect my husband’s life and future.

A good way to look at it is how Daniel lived in Babylon. He honored the king, but didn’t defile himself with the king’s food. He sought the best thing for the kingdom, but still did what was right even when it was illegal.

Don’t lead him into sin

It can go both ways. Because, if he loves you as he loves his own body, he will bend to your wind. So don’t make the excuse that he is the leader and responsible for both of your sin.

Hamam took advice from his wife Zeresh (and his friends), to build a pole to kill his enemy. In Esther 7:10, Haman himself is impaled.

Jezebel advised her husband in 1 Kings 21 and “There was never anyone like Ahab, who sold himself to do evil in the eyes of the Lord, urged on by Jezebel, his wife.” She was eaten by dogs, for her reckoning.

Taking your own initiative

I remember whispers about a woman who went a little wonky in her doctrine. The probable cause? She was attending church without her husband, so it was easier for her to be led astray. As though males are impervious to false doctrine.

I think it’s a misinterpretation/misassumption that females are more likely to be deceived simply because Eve was deceived. If this were true, then by the same measure, since Adam was not tricked, you could say men are more likely to be rebellious and stand by watching their wives sin, flaccidly wondering what’ll happen. Then blame her for it.

How long should a woman wait for a husband’s covering, initiative, leading? Should she wait with her kids as though a covering of a husband can fill in for the blood of Christ? Or should an uncovered woman cut away the extra flesh like Zipporah?

Only Christ can cover you

At the judgement seat, we will stand before God. And sister, you will not be able to say, “It was the man that you gave me, Lord.” That excuse has holes.

Tramplin’ all the way. Ha Ha. Ha.

Posted on by Hilarey

Are your nativities put away and your Christmas cleaned up?

If you were a Christian in the 90s, you may remember a saying, “If it became illegal to be a Christian, would there be enough evidence to convict you?”

Maybe from that idea came the surplus of Christian bumper stickers, art and other swag. We decorated our cars and clothing with symbols and stickers. Consumerism to prove loyalty… to get that conviction.

But there’s a difference between marketing Christianity and obeying Christ.

Let your god flag fly

Waving and saluting the Christian flag… raising a religious banner before your army… making sure to point out to the lost that you are on the narrow path… or letting the brethren know you are on a “slightly narrower” path might get you convicted when Christianity becomes illegal—but I’m not convinced that’s the judgement seat we should be concerned about.

Psalms says my salvation and my honor depend on God. I like this verse because of course we are concerned about salvation, but we want to hide that we’re also concerned about honor. Our honor depends on God, not on how God looks. Not on him seeming to be victorious before his return.

The narrower path

I was once told that you can’t take stuff to heaven, only people. But that’s untrue. You can’t bring people—not if they don’t want to go.

Imagine your son telling you, “I know you would choose your God over me.” I don’t think that’s necessarily easier to hear when he has a strong, bearded jaw than when he has chubby, kissable cheeks.

Yet, if that becomes the choice, Christ said he came to divide families.

Though none go with me

How do you choose Christ over mother, brother, child… without steamrolling or trampling everyone in your path?

All I can think in regards to displaying your faith is: Christian! Christ does not stomp the downtrodden. When we have an agenda that tramples, we find a way to inject that agenda in every sentence.

So how do you share if you can’t even talk to your children or grandchildren about God because they think you’re unfair, insensitive, exclusive? Lyrics from one of my most listened to songs last year says, “The best way to be heard sometimes is not to make a sound.” The Audreys

Innocent until proven a believer

I know we are scared to deny Jesus because he will deny us. Sometimes silence is denial, but sometimes it is wisdom. When Jesus was asked by Pilate, “Are you the King of the Jews?”, he answered, “It is as you say.”

But when Herod questioned him, he “answered him nothing.” Luke 23:1-12

You don’t have to chase anyone down screaming Merry Christ-mas. Not just because the holidays are over, but because the culture war you are commissioned to fight is within your own body.

Sometimes silence is denial, but sometimes it is wisdom.

Children of the Wilderness

Posted on by Hilarey

A verse from Proverbs was often used as a homeschool mantra, “Raise up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

Something subtly expressed was that not homeschooling meant not raising up your own children. Since you could not “teach these things when you rose and sat down and walked along the way,” you were taking a risk with their eternity.

There’s a treacherous thread of prosperity doctrine woven into this. The assumption is that it’s transactional to raise your children in a God-fearing home and they will grow up to know God.

As though parents can remove the dignity of freewill that God gave to humanity.

The Israelite children who grew up in the desert saw nothing but provision and miracles. They didn’t know that normal shoes wear down each year. They took for granted food dripping from the sky, and the visible proof of God’s presence. On a small scale, this is a child’s understanding when raised in a Christian home, even if parents are clear about life before salvation and where they’ve come from. Even if things are not perfect and you wander as a family in the wilderness.

Experientially, these children only know the plunder of the Egyptians and the hope of the promised land.

In Be Amazed Warren W. Wiersbe writes about this generation of Israelites. He says, “God set them free and guided them to their inheritance, but within one generation after the death of Joshua, the nation turned to a dollar tree, and forsook the Lord.”

One generation.

Sometimes kids who are raised in the church reject it all, knowingly. Sure, they may claim hypocrisy is the reason they left. But, undoubtedly, you, as a parent, didn’t applaud or foster hypocrisy.

Train up a child is a good proverb, but it doesn’t play out that way in many stories of the Bible.

Aaron’s sons were raised up in service to God and saw the original generation of ordination. Maybe they were so comfortable with the temple that they decided they knew enough and could approach God however they wanted. They died in his presence. Leviticus 10:1-2

Samuel’s sons had a godly upbringing in the temple, but took bribes and perverted justice. 1 Samuel 8:1-3

Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery because of jealousy. Genesis 37

I’m sure all of David’s children, a man after God’s own heart, grew up hearing stories of David’s divine rescues, his praise music and poetry. But David’s son raped his daughter and discarded her when he could have redeemed the situation. 2 Samuel 13:1-32

Admittedly, there were obvious parenting failures in the last two situations. Jacob showed clear favoritism to the first son of his favorite wife, Joseph. And David didn’t deal with his rapist son, so another son took punishment into his own hands when Absalom killed the rapist. So even if David ran after God his whole life, he had moments of failure being an apathetic, inattentive or weak parent.

But Adam was born into a perfect environment with a perfect parent.

Don’t cast judgement by asking the parent of a prodigal their success rate. “Are any of your other kids following the Lord?” As though a higher percentage toward apostasy reflects the home life. Out of God’s first two kids, 100% chose to disobey.

And, actually, so did everyone else after that. None are righteous, no, not one.

Franklin Graham endorsed Prayers for Prodigals, saying that his mother would have loved the book, because he was one. I loved the book because I am not sure where I’d be without the prayers of my mom and grandma.

There is no guarantee that a child raised in a godly home will choose the Lord.

And there’s no guarantee they’ll stay in the wilderness.